My left knee crunched and buckled, a sharp pain seared up my leg and I stumbled. I’m okay, just keep running. Then another buckle and more pain, limping. What was happening? I guess this means I can’t do that half marathon on October 19th, six weeks away. Relieved. That surprised me, I thought I wanted to do that half-marathon, maybe not. I kept moving, don’t give up yet, you could still do that race. I passed a house with a well-manicured lawn; the trees were just starting to turn burnt orange. A pickup zoomed by me. I loved the homes I would see on the race route.
I’ll make an appointment with my doctor, ask about my knees and running. I’m not having a knee replacement. Spiraling from a buckled knee to a knee replacement. If I have to swim instead of running, I’ll do that.
I was about two miles from home; returning from an eight-mile run. If I had to limp the whole way I would. Only once did I ask my husband to pick me up without finishing a run.
Maybe that was the day after the shingles vaccine and I underestimated the side effects. I picked up jogging again; it hurt but I continued. I liked running solo. Sometimes I constructed poems or prayed and meditated. I liked being in the sun and getting inspiration for watercolors from the blue sky, trees and red barn. Running relaxed me and sometimes I slipped into a meditative state. Would I lose those benefits if I stopped half-marathons but only did a daily one to two miles? I didn’t know.
My running vest was loaded with pepper spray in one pocket, dried pineapple for the halfway mark in another. Those gels made me nauseous. I held a Gatorade zero. No sidewalks but enough shoulder on the road that I felt safe. It was about 50 degrees, sunny and mid-morning, a perfect time to run. I grew up in the city with sidewalks, gutters and exhaust fumes. I spent a lot of my time indoors. Running brought me outside now and I loved hearing the birds and the wind rustling the leaves.
I passed the house where the ninety-two-year-old man lived. Another benefit of running is that I got to know my neighbors as I ran by day after day. I had covered another half mile and heard the brook to my left. I would make it home.
My face was salty; I felt the sweat. I’d done the covered bridges half marathon about three months earlier. I wasn’t fast, but I finished with no injuries. Since then, I’d taken the summer off from long runs, but I’d been doing eight miles as my base long run for years. I could do this. But did I want to do long runs anymore? The question nagged.
Why had I taken the summer off from long runs? At first it started as the post half marathon rest period and then instead of spending two or three hours running I went on bike rides with my husband or swimming with my daughter. I didn’t want to take two or three hours out of a Saturday or Sunday to run. During the week I helped with my grandchildren. Once a week I drove my granddaughter to a center an hour away, for applied behavior analysis (ABA). I stayed for four to six hours until pick up and enjoyed those hours writing in a coffee shop. I loved every minute of those activities. It just seemed like the weeks passed and I still hadn’t done any long runs and I didn’t miss it. I was still completing one or two mile runs most days, which didn’t prevent me from outings like a long run would have done.
I see now that I really let exercise go over the summer: I only attended one yoga class and visited the gym for strength training only a couple of times. It wasn’t like I faced the summer, and decided to exercise less, it just happened as the days added up.
Now the summer was over, and I pondered this as I hobbled home that day. I regretted not doing much strength training or yoga. The previous week I had started back at both classes, and I was sore. If my goal was to age well, strength and flexibility were an important component of that. I didn’t regret not doing the long runs though. Now at 62 years old, I gave more consideration to how I spent my time. I was more aware of my finite life and I didn’t want regrets.
I’d like to say I have no regrets. But I do wish I’d had more fun, and enjoyment. I worked hard and I am grateful I can relax more now. If I was to change anything it would be to spend more time on pleasurable activities with friends and family. I am now looking at what is probably the final stretch of my life and how I want to spend my time. Making memories with those I love for sure. Where did long runs fit in that? I liked the feeling of accomplishment after a long run or half marathon. I felt physically and mentally strong. But I wondered if it was worth the price of my time. Now it also seemed to hurt my body.
By this time, I was about a mile from home. I walked some, ran a little, and my knees still hurt. Maybe my long run days were over? Did I want to give them up? Now that the run was almost over, I was feeling that wave of relaxation that only seemed to come from a long run. Lately, I’d noticed an almost constant stomachache; I went to bed with one and wake up with one. I’d been clenching my teeth and even gotten a headache. The concern for a sibling in the hospital and implementing a behavior plan with my daughter were taking their toll. Long runs relaxed me in a way that shorter runs did not. The distance running also gave me time alone.
What was the science behind running longer distances? The most compelling part was the sweet spot, running too much could cause vessel calcification and not exercising enough had its own problems. As I read, I was reminded of not only the physiological benefits of running such as cardiovascular effects and improved sleep, but also of the psychological benefits such as the endorphin boost and a sense of confidence with achieving goals.
What would I gain by continuing with long runs and half marathons? I liked when people said, “Wow you do half marathons?” Pride and image which is shallow. Would I still do half marathons if no one knew? How much of this was tied to my pride? I had worried that if I stopped doing long runs, I’d gain weight but after three months my weight was stable. I’d be better off working on my muscle mass and flexibility for healthy aging. What was stopping me from taking more of an easy does it approach? Fear. Image. I feared getting old and being unable to be active.
There’s my mailbox. I stretched on the stairs; grateful for the privilege of being able to run. Once I showered and was settled on the couch, I googled another half marathon in a couple of months once I was trained up again. Why did it have to be black and white, either I spent time enjoying my family or I did long runs? Maybe I could do some of both.